Visiting my therapist and losing the last bit of composure

I went to see my therapist today. I’m always anxious to go and always arrive on time. My therapist doesn’t speak to me. But if I listen, I hear all about the subject matter. I just have to show up on time. I usually have trouble hearing for the first part of the session, but once we are underway, I figure out the lesson of the day.

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Another curious thing about my therapist who doesn’t speak to me, is that the location of our session  is always changing. There is no office to go to. I usually have a vague idea where it’s at, but never quite know for sure. Oddly enough, I always seem to show up at the right place, even though the lesson of the day may not be what I was expecting. Today I was expecting to hear about enjoying life without expectations. That’s what I thought I heard early on at least. Then, I got the painful truth. Today’s work would focus on frustration and learning to not beat myself up too badly.

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Today was about holding a sure thing in the palm of my hand only to see it slip away. But the irony of the session was that I never got to hold the thing in my hand – I was only led to believe that it would end up there. So I guess the original lesson of expectations still had some merit.

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Long story, short – I went to the river today expecting little. Had my hopes elevated with the sight of splashing steelhead. I even managed to briefly hook one before it broke me clean off. These were big bright fish. Now, shaking, a bit frustrated, but determined, I swim my marabou prawn through the water again and just where it should be – BAM – the solid grab and another broken line. If I write anymore about my feelings over this whole affair, it would not be appropriate for viewing by younger folks and others offended by certain four letter words.

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I have another appointment with my therapist late tomorrow afternoon. I already know the subject matter of the session.

Sandstone bluffs of the Wildcat Group provided the sounding board (read: echo) for the cursing and swearing that could be head along the river this afternoon.  Note the small hole near the center of the bluff - a drain hole for the railroad tunnel that passes through.
Sandstone bluffs of the Wildcat Group provided the sounding board (read: echo) for the cursing and swearing that could be head along the river this afternoon. Note the small hole near the center of the bluff - a drain hole for the railroad tunnel that passes through.

Springtime on the River

A few photos from the past few days.  With a setting like this, fickle fishing is not really a concern.

This used to be a more active floodplain.  Now it has given way to a lush, grassy, semi-wooded setting.
This used to be a more active floodplain. Now it has given way to a lush, grassy, semi-wooded setting.
It appears that much of the riparian forest here is undergoing a radical change in vegetation communities.  The lack of regular, high flows is probably precluding the estblishment of seedlings.  The result - the remaining trees are growing older with little replacement.
It appears that much of the riparian forest here is undergoing a radical change in vegetation communities. The lack of regular, high flows is probably precluding the estblishment of seedlings. The result - the remaining trees are growing older with little replacement.
The first day of April and the beginning of a quarter mile long riffle through verdant oak woodlands.  Who cares if the fishing is so-so this afternoon!
The first day of April and the beginning of a quarter mile long riffle through verdant oak woodlands. Who cares if the fishing is so-so this afternoon!
This was about as close to the water as I got here.  Didn't feel the urge to wet a line - too many other things to be consumed in.
This was about as close to the water as I got here. Didn't feel the urge to wet a line - too many other things to be consumed in.

Thirty minutes of timeless water

I’m sitting next to the classroom window on the third floor. From this vantage point I can see how the wind is faring. I pretend to pay attention to the instructor, occasionally nodding in agreement at some unheard point of emphasis. By two o’clock, the breeze is waning, the flagging branches of the trees below show moments of stillness. Their branches are laden with white blossoms that seem to shine brighter in the lightening breeze. It looks really warm and green outside now.

The instructor cuts us loose a bit early. It’s one of those moments where the co-workers get ignored as they make plans to gather somewhere for an impromptu end-of-day social hour. “I’m going fishing,” I say as I pass them in a focused trot to the truck. These,too, are the moments when the bathroom urges are forced to wait. Along the way, I also realize there are too many stop signs and stoplights between here and the river. The iced coffee after lunch doesn’t help soothe the urgency of the situation.

Arriving at the little dirt pullout, suiting up is an efficient, well-rehearsed routine. In minutes, I’m crossing the old floodplain and at water’s edge. The breeze still comes in gentle waves. Not the incessant gusts of yesterday. I hope these are the last gasps of something going away for a long, long while.

The bugs come off sporadically. Pale morning duns are readily apparent and the occasional caddis buzz across the water and in the streamside willows. Still, though, after a couple minutes of careful observation no fish are seen. Regardless, this is one of those moments of arrival. Everything’s gone right, I’m on the water; now I can exhale and adapt to the pace of the river. Perhaps there are fish to be seen, but only after slowing down and focusing on the sights and sounds. The water moving by creates a rhythm. I listen for the chops in the rhythm that might indicate a fish. The little boil far downstream, after careful watching, is just the upwelling from a submerged boulder. These things take time to notice.

Two long hours are spent watching and waiting. A couple of fish are seen, but they do not reappear. The sun sinks lower behind the trees. The caddis begin to move away from the trees, gradually venturing farther across the river. The duns float by in the calmer edge water, their upright wings visible in the last rays of sun. As I’m watching I realize the wind has vanished. Somewhere along the way it played itself out unannounced. Then I see the gentle rings downstream along the edge in knee deep water. Then again, a head tips up followed a second later by a gentle tail movement guiding the large fish back down. All this happens with a soft kissing sound. The fish slides upward again, sipping in one of the duns. Towards midstream, another fish grabs a passing bug in a more audible manner, leaving a growing boil to float downstream.

It’s on.

The fish move into the knee deep margin water to softly sip in the drifting duns. They are big fish, given away by that interval of time between seeing a head then a tail as they porpoise up then down. The fish here are extremely spooky, coming into this shallow margin water for the easy pickings. My feet shuffling along the cobble bottom will put them down if not careful. Everything now comes down to a hunched-over whisper. These are the most difficult fish on the river and exactly what I’m after. Unfortunately, the otters decide this is their water to frolick in for the evening. Moving on downstream, near the tail of the run, more fish are working in the calf-deep water – their rises barely visible in this more turbulent shallow water.  

The last light of day begins to fade. The first of summer’s crickets ratchet up their evening song. All of this lasts for maybe thirty minutes. But this is the one half hour that days are spent waiting for.  Tomorrow, I think, will be even better.

A season gone by

All those favorite river stretches are some 2,000 miles away from here – I had to take a peek at the river levels this evening – just to see.  The season closes there at the end of the month – barely two weeks away.  Oh my, they are all dropping into perfection tonight.  Ready to go for the weekend.  I don’t really feel regret for not being there – I’m here and right where I need to be.  It’s a strange feeling, though.  When I’m there, standing there – that straight piece away from the road flowing under the tall trees and through moss covered everything, none of this stuff really seems to matter.  It’s a selfish pursuit – forget about everything else, so I can indulge some quasi-cerebral, contemplative craving.  It’ll all be gone when I get back – no ceremony of endings, no last casts, none of that.  Maybe this should be some long reverie on the times now passed, but it’s just not there.

I know that much of the satisfaction lies in the anticipation, the dreaming, fantasizing and such.  August is not far away and after last year, there is hope now for even starting in July.  Really, there is no ending to this crazy addiction.

By Sunday the water will be silky, emerald green – the kind of water that whispers by you.  If the forecast light rain pans out, it will be a dreamy week to be on the water – fish or none.  So now I get to package it all up in the volumes of memories, sketch out the new notes of anticipation and turn to other things.  I get to travel over the hill for a week when I return and I know that Spring will be FULL over there with bugs on the big water and morels in the now verdant woods.  Three weeks is a long time to be gone at such a critical juncture in the season – but I know, too well, that I will be able to return to the same places.  And I get to stop along the way and ask myself “What is this time thing, anyway?”

Quick update

Thinking of playing on the river next weekend?  Think again:

THE MODELS ARE INDICATING MOST OF THE REGION GOING DRY ON
WEDNESDAY...WITH A BREAK FROM RAIN AND SNOW THURSDAY AND FRIDAY.
THIS BREAK WILL BE NEEDED IF THE MODELS ARE CORRECT. CURRENTLY THEY
ARE INDICATING A STRONG WARMER SYSTEM MOVING IN NEXT WEEKEND THAT
COULD TAP INTO SOME SUB-TROPICAL MOISTURE.

Elbow weather

Ok, we need the rain and the snow, and my elbow needs a break.  But now I’m certain that if I could just get back out on the river I could correct my cast with more bottom hand and my elbow problem would disappear.  The weather forecast suggests differently (from this evening’s forecast discussion):

A COLD FRONT WILL MOVE ACROSS NORTHERN CALIFORNIA TONIGHT BRINGING MORE
WIDESPREAD RAIN AND SNOW TO THE REGION. THIS STORM IS EXPECTED TO BE A
LITTLE STRONGER THAN THE LAST STORM...EXPECT THIS SYSTEM TO PASS OFF TO
THE EAST BY FRIDAY NIGHT WITH  ANOTHER PACIFIC STORM RIGHT ON ITS HEELS.
EXTENDED FORECAST MODELS IN GOOD AGREEMENT ON A FAIRLY STRONG FRONT MOVING
THROUGH THE CWA EARLY SUNDAY. A BRIEF BREAK IN  PRECIPITATION OCCURS TUESDAY
FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER SIGNIFICANT FRONT ON WEDNESDAY. THIS SYSTEM LOOKS TO BE
A LITTLE WARMER WITH A SUBTLE SUBTROPICAL TAP INTO MOISTURE DOWN AROUND 20-30N.  

Bring it on. I guess my elbow will just have to wait.
Need I say more?
Need I say more?

Thoughts on tying steelhead flies with coot

For the most part, the coot has fallen out of the winter repertoire – the largest spey-type patterns I have been able to muster up is a size 5.  Size 3 would be possible, but asking for long, spider-type hackles would be pushing it.  There seem to be two groups of feathers that have application for smaller steelhead flies in the sizes 5 and 7.  First, feathers near the shoulder and wing junction, provide a good supply of slightly stiffer and darker hackles that I tend to favor.  Feathers from the flanks are much lighter in color and resemble blue-eared pheasant in their shape and tend to be a tad longer barbule length than the shoulders, though the coot flank tends to be a wee bit softer than BEP.  The shoulder, however, is a tad bit stiffer than the BEP I’ve used.

Below, I tied two simple identical patterns using these two feather types on size 5 hooks.  The guinea collar tends to dominate the coot, but the overall finished fly fishes well in the late summer and early fall when these smaller offerings are the go-to choice.  Much of the remainder of the coot skin is full of feathers that have the potential for making great soft hackled flies in smaller sizes though I have not yet experiemented with this yet.  I think there might be potential for caddis emerger patterns as well.

Of course, having said all this, I’m still torn between coot and pheasant rump as my small fly hackle of choice.  Choosing between the two while standing knee deep in the river is difficult.  Though I find I use the pheasant rump when fish are spread out and there are long intervals between grabs.  The coot seems to shine when the fish are there and on the nab – though I suspect just about anything would suffice during those times.  In any event, I find the coot a wonderful alternative to BEP in smaller sizes and the flies it turns out are among the buggiest around.

Tied with feathers from near front of wing.
Tied with feather from near the shoulder. Also with collar of guinea and topping of bronze mallard.
Tied with flank feather.
Same pattern except tied with coot flank feather. It is a lighter color, though the camera flash washed it out a bit here.

River ailments

I have developed a sore right elbow from lobbing a tungsten-tipped fly line with a small bird tethered to the end.  I think my fishing days might be numbered if I’m not careful.  In any event, I have decided to take a little time off from hurling these contraptions through the air.

sfkeel-0031
A quiet day...perfect water...'traditional' weather...I was that close to hooking fish today. Since my elbow is ailing, I have decided to hang up the gear and pursue other interests for awhile.
Saving the winter shrimp for next time.
Saving the winter shrimp for next time.
Marabou madness - a god awful mess, but should fish OK
Marabou madness - a god awful mess, but should fish OK